10 Common Mistakes That Can Destroy A Marriage

23 05 2009

10 common mistakes that destroy a relationship of marriage

In life and love, you may think you’re supposed to always focus on the positive instead of the negative. However, unless you become aware of your own hurtful attitudes or actions — so that you can correct them — your chances of staying in love ’til death do you part are close to zero. To have your marriage last a lifetime, avoid these 10 common mistakes:

1. Talking “at” instead of “with” your mate. Let his or her body language be your guide. When you’re talking “at” your partner, he or she will tense up. When you’re talking “with” your spouse, he or she will relax.

2. Tuning out — instead of tuning in — to what your mate is saying. When you mind begins to wander, stop and remember that what your partner is saying is important to him or her.

3. Forgetting to thank your mate. Not thanking your spouse for being considerate, thoughtful or kind makes him or her feel unappreciated and foolish for caring about you. even if your mate did something as simple as remembering to wash the laundry or cook dinner or pay an outstanding bill. although it may be generally “considered as a duty”, it is not. In fact the main duty in a marriage is to make the other person happy, for most people, ultimately that does not necessary have to do with chores or bills.

4. Getting defensive instead of saying, “I’m sorry.” When you mess up, the sooner you sincerely say, “I’m sorry,” or “I was wrong,” the sooner your mate can stop resenting you.

5. Always saying, “I’m sorry,” yet never changing. An apology buys you another chance. However, if you keep making the same mistake, apologies not only seem empty, but annoying as well.

6. Being repeatedly late. Frequently keeping your partner waiting is not only inconsiderate, it’s arrogant.

7. Playing the victim. This behavior not only accuses your spouse of hurting you, but adds insult to injury by implying that he or she is doing it intentionally, when that may not be the case. not everyone has the same capacity of receiving accusations, so it is safest not to jump and accuse your mate of having bad intentions, even if they have repeated similar mistakes in the past.

8. Jumping to conclusions. Presuming that you know what your partner feels — and why — without first getting all the facts is only going to push him or her away.

9. Badmouthing your spouse behind his or her back. This not only adds to the list of secrets you keep from your mate, but also tells others how little you respect your partner.

10. Thinking that doing something once is enough. If you only temporarily stop making the above mistakes — and don’t continue to monitor yourself to keep from slipping back into bad habits — If your spouse was satisfied with that last boquet of roses you bought her or that last set of golf clubs you got him, all signs point to the fact that giving and receiving gifts is a good thing. So keep it up! you’re teasing your partner with changing one time and going to the same old song and dance. You’re also kidding yourself that you’re committed to improving your marriage, when really you’re not.

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Ten Tips To Be A Sucessful Muslim Husband

22 11 2008

muslim couple

Prophet Muhammad (صلي الله عليه وسلم) said, “the best amongst you are the ones who are best to their wives.” So dear Muslim brother! Your obligations towards your wife are not limited to earning money and supporting her financially. A wife needs love from her husband, and emotional support too!

10 Tips on How to Be a Successful Husband

Note: Additions in brackets are notes from a sister.

Prepared by Muhammad Alshareef, reprinted from Islamway.com.

1) Dress Up

Dress up for your wife, look clean and smell good. When was the last time us men went shopping for designer pajamas? Just like the husband wants his wife to look nice for him, she also wants her husband to dress up for her too. Remember that Rasulullah (صلي الله عليه وسلم) would always start with Miswak when returning home and always loved the sweetest smells.

(Dress up for your wife when you are at home also. Some brothers only dress up when they go out and that is not a good practice. A husband should dress up for his wife when they are at home. it makes a wife feel special.)

2) Sweet Names

Use the cutest names for your wife. Rasulullah (صلي الله عليه وسلم) had nicknames for his wives, ones that they loved. Call your wife by the most beloved names to her, and avoid using names that hurt their feelings.

(Remember, you are your wife’s only boyfriend, and her only best friend. She does not go out seeking boyfriends and she shares a halal relationship with you. Love her unconditionally for the sake of Allah. And express your love to her. A woman likes to be told that she is loved. Call her from your work to make sure she is doing fine. I have seen my dad calling my mother several times a day, just to make sure she has been eating well. And my husband calls me at least twice from work to make sure I am doing well. These things are very important in a relationship.)

3) Reward Her Actions

Don’t treat her like a fly. We never think about a fly in our daily lives until it ‘bugs’ us. Similarly, a wife will do well all day – which brings no attention from the husband – until she does something to ‘bug’ him. Don’t treat her like this; recognize all the good that she does and focus on that.

(Whenever there is a fight or argument, just remember all the things she does for you. she cooks for you, she takes care of your home, she takes care of your children and the most important thing is that she guards her modesty. So do not upset her if she is upset with you. Hold her and tell her that you love her. Only your love can repel her anger. Communicate with her and discuss with her if there are any misunderstandings.)

4) Remain Silent

If you see wrong from your wife, try being silent and do not comment! This is one of the ways Rasulullah (صلي الله عليه وسلم) used when he would see something inappropriate from his wives (رضالله عنهنّ). It’s a technique that few Muslim men have mastered.

(Do not criticize her all the time. Trust her and trust her decisions. If she is doing something that you don’t like, or that goes against the teachings of Islam, then do advice her gently.)

5) Smile!

Smile at your wife whenever you see her and embrace her often. Smiling is Sadaqah and your wife is not exempt from the Muslim Ummah. Imagine life with her constantly seeing you smiling. Remember also those Ahadith when Rasulullah (صلي الله عليه وسلم) would kiss his wife before leaving for Salah, even if he was fasting.

(Do let your wife know that you are very happy and blessed to have her. A wife always wonder how her husband feels about her. She may have some insecurity about you, so make her feel secure. Always give her a hug whenever you come back from work. appreciate her and thank her for taking care of everything whole day. If you are not too tired, go out for star gazing for an hour or so.)

6) Acknowledge Her

Thank her for all that she does for you. Then thank her again! Take for example a dinner at your house. She makes the food, cleans the home, and a dozen other tasks to prepare. And sometimes the only acknowledgment she receives is that there needed to be more salt in the soup. Don’t let that be; thank her!

(Write thank you notes for her and place those notes in her books, her purse, her socks, and anything else that belongs to her. You can use your own creativity to thank her. You can thank her by writing something on a mirror with her lipstick, so that she can read it when she wakes up in the morning. You can also thank her by arranging a candlelight dinner AT HOME, you be the cook and let her rest. So far I have learned that a nice romantic dinner at home is much better than going out for dinner. This way a couple saves themselves from many fitnahs. You can thank her by writing her letters and emails. Remember, in Islam, everyday is special. So celebrate wife’s day with her, and do it very often without having a particular date. She will always wonder when the wife’s day is going to be.

You can also give her a certificate of appreciation, or a Best Wife Award on wife’s day. Do everything by yourself that day and let her rest, this way you will also know how difficult it could be to do household chores. Thank her by building a webpage for her, write a note there and a poem and then ask her to visit your webpage. Thank her by recording a voice message on a cd for your wife. She will love it!

Thank her by giving her a gift, and a gift does not have to be expensive. Be creative! You do not have to give her Roses, you can give her a leaf too! (My husband gave me a leaf once, instead of roses, and I was very happy and surprised, and I appreciated his creativity). So remember, thoughtful and creative gifts makes a wife feel secure and happy. Thank her by ordering a halal pizza for her, ask the restaurant to cut it in a heart shape and have it delivered with a personalized note. Thank her by thanking her in a family gathering. A woman likes it when her husband gives her attention.

If you visit her parents or your parents, hold her hands and tell your parents how happy you are after marriage. Give your wife an Islamic book as a gift after praying Tahajjud. Use your imagination and think about unique gifts. Remember, she does not need a diamond, she needs your sincerity and your heart, so always give her the gifts that are thoughtful. Whenever you do something to make her happy, observe her facial expressions and ask yourself about how you feel when you become her happiness.)

7) Ten Blessings From Allah

Ask her to write down the last ten things you did for her that made her happy. Then go and do them again. It may be hard to recognize what gives your wife pleasure. You don’t have to play a guessing game–ask her and work on repeating those things in your life.

(Also ask her to write down the things you did that she did not like, or the things you did that made her unhappy. Try to not do those things in future. If she falls ill, let her lay down, and read different surahs from Qur’an while placing your hand on her forehead. When I got sick, my husband recited Qur’an for me, it really helped a lot mashaAllah. Remember, a wife needs her husband the most when she is not feeling well. Take good care of her because a healthy wife makes a healthy family. Do not expect too much from her when she is sick.)

8) Validate her Feelings

Don’t belittle her desires. Comfort her. Sometimes the men may look down upon the requests of their wives. Rasulullah (صلي الله عليه وسلم) set the example for us in an incident when Safiyyah (رضالله عنها) was crying because, as she said, he had put her on a slow camel. He wiped her tears, comforted her, and brought her the camel.

(If there is a time of sadness, give her your shoulder to cry on. Hold her and tell her that everything will be fine. Alhamdulillah, my husband and my dad are amongst those Muslim husbands who would even have tears in their eyes if their wives are sad. Remember, a woman does not like to cry alone in a corner. She needs someone to hold her when she is sad, so never let her feel lonely. Remind her the verses from Qur’an that talks about Patience and Piety.)

9) Have Fun!

Be humorous and play games with your wife. Look at how Rasulullah (صلي الله عليه وسلم) would race his wife Aisha (رضالله عنها) in the desert. When was the last time we did something like that?

(A sense of humor plays a very important role in a marital relationship. Most women wish to have a husband who has a good sense of humor. Tell her decent and modest jokes that make her happy. A wife appreciates it very much if her husband makes her smile. You can play various games at home. Play with crayons, or have a pillow fight. Or hide different notes in your bedroom and ask her to find it. Think of different games you can both play. Let her win sometimes!

Adopt interesting hobbies, such as reading, cooking together and gardening (grow a surprise rose plant in your garden, when you have the first rose blooming, take her to the garden and show it to her. Newspaper and Sports Issue! Men like to watch sports, or read newspaper. Most Pakistani wives consider newspaper as their co-wives. So be very careful. If you are watching sports, turn the TV off if your wife comes around. Give her attention. Do not spend too much time reading newspaper, and do not read newspaper on the breakfast table, rather have an Islamic discussion. If you want to get her to like newspaper, then try to find something that interests her. Such as, try to find a news about Hijab. Or try to find a news about Muslim women for her.)

10) Be The Best

Always remember the words of Allah’s Messenger (صلي الله عليه وسلم): “The best of you are those who treat their families the best. And I am the best amongst you to my family.” Try to be the best! In conclusion: Never forget to make Dua to Allah (سبحانه وتعالى) to make your marriage successful. And Allah ta’ala knows best!

(And once again: your wife is your best friend, and your girlfriend. Share everything with her. Remember she is your garment and you are her garment, so hide her faults and mistakes. Learn to forgive her. Also communicate a lot with her family. It really makes a difference if husband communicates with his in laws. It helps both husband’s and wife’s family to share a beautiful relationship. Respect her parents and show your love to her family. This will inspire her to love and respect your family. If her family is not muslim, do dawah to them in a beautiful way.)

Spend lots of time praying to Allah swt. Do fast often even if it is not Ramadan. Fasting brings patience and taqwah. Lead her in the prayer. There is nothing better than praying together. Remember Allah, so that Allah remembers you.

May Allah bless us and guide us all. Ameen!

References

Alshareef, Muhammad. “[10 Tips] How to Be a Successful Husband.” IslamWay. 24 Apr. 2007 <http://english.islamway.com/bindex.php?section=article&id=103>.

My Sister El Kawthar posted this first at: http://elkawthar.wordpress.com/ten-tips-towards-being-a-successful-husband/

Also check out her other posts in both Dutch and English!





Hey, You Can’t Hold Hands In Public!!!

24 05 2008

I once knew a  beautiful Muslim woman full of confidence and charisma. Almost Every Friday, she and her husband would get out of their car and walk to the masjid hand in hand. He would lean down and give her a peck on the cheek before they parted ways, he to the men’s entrance and she to the women’s entrance.

One day, as she entered through the women’s entrance and stood to pray her two rakats to greet the masjid, a sister called out to her “Ya Khaltu” (Oh Auntie), don’t you and your husband know that holding hands in public is a sin, much less kissing! AstagfirAllah!! AstagfirAllah! At your age you should be ashamed.” May Allah guide us all!”

She stood still for a few seconds and then raised her hands and said the takbeer beginning  her prayer.  The younger sister smirked thinking that she had done her duty well. As Khaltu prayed, hushed whispers filled the room, each woman entering getting an ear full of the juicy gossip of the moment and the tale of how “khaltu” was given a good dressing down by the younger sister (who sat  basking in the attention).

When Khaltu finished her prayer, she turned around, tears in her eyes, but nevertheless dignified.  All the sisters quietened eagerly waiting to hear what Khaltu would say, itching to hear an argument so that they may go home and burn up the phone lines with the jumah gossip.

However, what they got was not an argument. Khaltu simply said:Perhaps, you think that I am crying  because of the “advice” given me. No, I am crying because as I was making dhikr, I heard all the hushed whispers,no doubt spreading the gossip. I was crying because I found out how eager my beloved sisters are to eat my flesh.  She faced the younger sister and continued, “And what is your proof from the Qur’an and Sunnah? Do you have an ayat, a saheeh (authenticated) hadith?”  The younger sister thought for a few seconds before starting “I once read in a fatwa….” “No,” Khaltu cut her off. “I follow the Quran and Sunnah. What does the Quran and Sunnah say prohibiting it?”  The younger woman couldn’t answer. “Well, I believe that settles it, correct?” Khaltu finished with a tone that made it clear she was finished with the issue.  

Now, Why is it that so many people are quick to judge? Itching to show one another up to see who can deliver the most stinging blow. Why do people think that they can prove their righteousness by analyzing their fellow muslims for any sign of weakness or mistake so that they may come back and throw it in their face in the most horrific manner possible.  What does this accomplish other than division, hurt feelings, and rancour?

It is human nature not to agree on every single point. The companions (the great sahabiyat and tabieen) did not even agree on every single topic. Did they react by treating each other badly? No, because they feared Allah and knew the seriousness of such actions.

I’m not saying that you shouldn’t advise people. I’m not saying that you have to accept all other opinions. All I’m saying is, when disagreeing do so in a good way. A way that will unify rather than divide, a way that doesn’t leave people trying to avoid you at all costs.

We need to recognize that people are going to follow different madhabs, people are going to have different opinions, but as long as they say la illaha ill Allah, Muhammad ar Rasool Allah. They are your brother and sister and you owe them their rights and your kindness.

Sometimes, you just have to say: You follow what you deem best and I will follow what I deem best. And leave it at that.

 Secondly, It is a sad fact indeed that SOME (NOT ALL!!!!) Muslims feel that they can show one another no affection in public and in some cases act like they do not even know one another! I’m not talking about making out or anything lewd. But what is wrong with holding hands, linking arms,  or a small peck on the cheek? I don’t get it. Will the world end if my husband stops walking hand in hand with me down the street? No. But it’s nice and it shows our children that we care about one another and it shows others that most Muslim men  are not opressive to their wives but instead we are actually very well cared for and loved. As long as it is happening behind closed doors that’s all that counts. Yes, I have heard that and I get it. But this is just one of those things that I don’t believe is wrong and I have failed to see concrete evidence that it is wrong. Trust me, if someone brings me a hadith or verse of the qur’an  saying “do not hold your wife’s hand in public, do not link arms, thou shalt not give your wife a peck on the cheek…..” I will stop it. Until then……leave me alone.

*Story told w/permission from sisters involved*

 





Lying….

30 12 2007

It’s just a “little white lie”…..So what if you exaggerate a little on your resume, you lead someone to believe that you make a little more money than you actually earn, or maybe you omit something that you should tell a potential spouse during the nikah (wedding) arrangements. These are all considered by many to be insignificant little lies.  However, little lies can and do add up and accumulate. Then, when the truth is revealed, it all comes crashing down destroying friendships, ripping apart families, and ruining careers…..and all that is just in THIS WORLD! Let’s not forget that lying is a sin and a sign of hypocrisy in Islam (and most other religions as well).

So, why is it so hard to tell the truth? Why do we feel compelled to lie? I guess we could chalk that up to human nature. We all want to please others and be pleased. Sometimes the truth hurts. Some people have such low self esteem that they think they need to lie to build themselves up and impress others. When, in actuality, the old adage of “be yourself” really is the best way to be! So cliche, I know. But…..it’s true!

So, anyway, I found this article written by Shaykh Ibrahim Dremali (a regular lecturer at www.sunnahfollowers.net) and thought that I would pass it on.

Al Khadhib-Lying

Written by Dr. Ibrahim Dremali   
Sunday, 09 July 2006
Lying, where it is not allowed (and there are only a few exceptions where it is allowed) is a heinous sin and puts one in grave danger of corruption, hypocrisy and even kufr.  It is a “slippery slope” to all manner of corruption and a character flaw from which it is difficult to return.  Fellow Muslims, search within yourself and rid yourself of all forms of lying, deception and falsehood.  Make sure that truthfulness is victorious over falsehood in your heart at all times.  Allah does not guide one who is a liar.  Allah said:

{Wa qaala rajulun mu’minun min aali fir’auna yaktumu imaanahu a taqtuloona rajulan an yaqoola rabiyya Allah wa qad jaa’akum bil-bayyinaati min rabbikum?  Wa in yaku kaadhiban fa ‘alaihi kadhibuhu wa in yakun saadiqan yusibkum ba’dhu alladhiy ya’idukum inna Allaha laa yahdiy man huwa musrifun kadh-dhaabun.}
{And a believing man from Pharaoh’s people who had been hiding his belief said: Will you kill a man simply because he says my Lord is Allah, though he has brought you clear proofs from your Lord?  If he is lying, his lie is upon him but if he is telling the truth, you will be afflicted by some of what he is warning you about.  Verily, Allah does not guide one who is given to excess and lying.}  Ghaafir:28

One of the worst forms of lying in which a Muslim can engage is to be phony about his/her Islam.  Al-Hassan Al-Basri, an early taabi’i, was a famous waa’idh (preacher) who could bring large numbers of people to tears in moments.  No one doubted his piety buy himself.  He used to go to his home every night after doing whatever good Allah knows for Islam and tremble in fear that his actions may not measure up to his words.  He did this in true contemplation and understanding of Allah’s statement:

{Yaa ayyuhaa alladhina aamanoo lima taquloona maa laa taf’aloona? (2)  Kabura maqtan ‘inda Allahi an taqooloo maa laa taf’aloona. (3)}
{O, you who believe, why do you say that which you do not do? (2) It is very hateful to Allah that you would say that which you do not do.}  As-Saff:2-3

The worst forms of lying is to tell lies (or speak without knowledge) about Allah, His Messenger and His Message (Islam).  The source of this knowledge is Allah (via the Qur’an) and His Messenger (via the athentic hadith).  There is no other route to this knowledge and the knowledge was sent by Allah is is being preserved by Allah.  Al-hamdu lillahi!  The knowledge is there for the seeking until yaumil Qiyaama.  The previous nations did not get this.  There were put in charge of preserving their messages and they lost them all.  Allah himself took charge of preserving the message of Islam – even if that was actually carried out by human means.  Allah said:

{Al-Haqqu min rabbika fa laa takun min al-mumtareena (60) Fa man haajjaka feehi min ba’di maa jaa’aka min al-‘ilm fa qul ta’aalau nad’u abnaa’anaa wa abnaa’akum wa nisaa’anaa wa nisaa’akum wa anfusanaa wa anfusakum thumma nabtahil fa naj’al la’nata Allahi ‘alaa al-kaadhibeena. (61)}
{The truth is from your Lord so do not be among those who doubt. (60) Then, if anyone disputes with you about it after that knowledge which has come to you, simply say to them:  Come, let us call our sons and your sons, our women and your women, ourselves and yourselves and let us make a solemn prayer and invoke Allah’s curse upon whoever is lying. (61)}  Aal ‘Imraan:60-61

This includes lying about Allah’s laws (the shari’a) and speaking about what is halal and what is haram without authentic knowledge from Allah and/or from His Messenger (sas).  Allah said:

{Wa laa taquloo limaa tasifu alsinatukum al-kadhiba hadhaa halaalun wa hadhaa haraamun li taftaroo ‘alaa Allahi al-kadhiba inna alladhina yaftaroona ‘alaa Allahi al-kadhiba laa yuflihoon.}
{Do not say about that which your lying tongues describe that this is lawful and that is not lawful, that you may forge a lie upon Allah.  Verily, those who forge lies upon Allah never succeed.}  An-Nahl:116

{Qul inna alladhina yaftaroona ‘alaa Allahi al-kadhiba laa yuflihoona (69) Mataa’un fiy ad-dunyaa thumma ilainaa marji’uhum thumma nudheeqahum al-‘adhaaba ash-shadeeda bi maa kaanoo yakfuroon. (70)}
{Say, verily those who forge lies upon Allah never succeed. (69) Some provision in this world but unto Us is their return and then we will make them taste the severe punishment for the kufr which they used to commit. (70)}  Yunus:69-70

In addition to lying about Allah being one of the greatest sins and a cause of punishment in the hereafter, in the above verses, we see that:

  1. Material gain is one of the motives for which people commit it.
  2. People who commit this will never succeed.
  3. They may get “goods” (mataa’) in this life, but will only eventually return to Allah and be serverely punished.
  4. What they did was kufr.

Lying about Allah’s creation is also a major sin and a source of many kinds of corruption, division and strife.

“Inna min a’dham al-firaa an yud’aa ar-rajulu ilaa ghairi abeehi, au yuriya ‘ainahu maa lam tara, au yaqoola ‘alaa rasooli Allahi maa lam yaqul.”
“The most heinous of forgeries as for a man to be ascribed to other than his true father, to claim that his eye saw what it did not see and to attribute to Allah’s Messenger (sas) something which he did not say.” Al-Bukhari

Adh-dhann

“Iyaakum wa adh-dhanni fa inna adh-dhanna akdhaba al-hadeeth.”
“Stay away from assumption, for assumption is the most lying of all discourse.”  Muslim & Al-Bukhari

transmitting everything you hear

“Kafaa bil-mar’i kadhiban an yuhadditha bi kulli maa sami’a.”
“A person will be filled with lies simply by narrating everything he hears.”  Muslim

Lying leads to further corruption and even hell-fire

“Inna as-sidqa yahdiy ilaa al-birri wa inna al-birra yahdiy ilaa al-jannati.  Wa inna ar-rajula la yasduqu hattaa yuktaba ‘inda Allahi siddeeqan.  Wa inna al-kadhiba yaydiy ilaa al-fujoori wa inna al-fujoora yahdiy ilaa an-naari. Wa inna ar-rajula la yakdhibu hattaa yuktaba ‘inda Allahi kadh-dhaaban.”
“Truthfulness guide to righteousness and righteousness guides to Paradise.  Verily, a man will be truthful until he is recorded with Allah as ever-believing.  And lying guides to moral corruption and moral corruption guides to the fire.  Verily, a man will continue to lie until he is recorded with Allah as a complete liar.”  Muslim & Al-Bukhari

A munaafiq is one whose apparent external reality is Islam, belief, practice of Islam, etc. but whose inner reality is disbelief and eveil intent toward Islam and the Muslims.  It is NOT simply “hypocrisy” (which covers many things which are not “nifaq”) and that is a very inadequate and misleading of the term.  The character flaw possessed by a munaafiq is called “nifaaq”. Nifaaq negates Islam even if one is “practicing” in the apparent

“Aayatu al-munaafiqi thalaathun wa in sallaa wa saama wa za’ama annahu Muslim:  idhaa haddatha kadhiba, wa idhaa wa’ada akhlafa wa idhaa ‘tumina khaan.”
“The signs of a munaafiq are three – even if he prays, fasts and claims/believes he is a Muslim:  when he speaks he lies, when he promises he breaks his promise and when he is entrusted he betrays the trust.”  Muslim & Al-Bukhari

These hadith clearly tell us that lying or truthfulness are character traits.  They are habit-forming, are “slippery slopes” and are not something that any human can turn on and off at will.  One who is a liar to people will also be a liar to Allah and vice versa.  That is why a Muslim must take utmost precaution and steps against ANY form of lying, deception or falsehood whether with/about Allah or with/about people.

Malik ibn Deenaar said:  “As-sidqu wa al-kadhibu ya’tarikaani fiy al-qalbi hattaa yukhrija ahaduhumaa saahibahu.”  “Truthfulness and lying are in combat in the heart until one of them expels the other.”

Lying is one of the weaknesses of the nafs and one of the wrong things to which it becomes attracted.

Luqman is reported to have said to his son:  “Yaa bunayya iyaaka wa al-kadhibi fa innahu shahiyyun ka lahmi al-‘usfoori ‘ammaa qaleelun yaqlaaho saahibuhu.”  “Dear son, beware of lying for it is surely attractive like the meat of a quail which its owner is just about to pluck off and eat.”

It is never beneficial, even if it appears to be so in the short run.

Ash-Sha’biy said:  “Iyaaka wa al-kadhiba haitha taraa annahu yanfa’uka fa huwa yadhurruka.”  “Beware of lying.  Whenever you think it will benefit you, it only harms you.”

www.dremali.com

Also check out these posts from Javeria’s blog!

Living without lying – why we lie?
http://javeria.wordpress.com/2006/12/07/living-without-lying-why-we-lie

Living without lying – why we should not lie
http://javeria.wordpress.com/2007/02/05/living-without-lying-2/





American Women…Foreign Men…and a little r-e-s-p-e-c-t

20 08 2007

Ever heard the Lenny Kravitz song “American Woman.” It goes something like: “American woman stay away from me…”. Well, I tend to think that the American women are the ones who need to be concerned.

Obviously, I am a Muslim. So,I’m talking mostly about Muslims henceforth. I know non Muslim men misbehave as well. Heck, even American men treat American  women like trash more often than not.  Most tv shows and movies portray us as conquests, ready to give it up to anyone and everyone. Most hip hop lyrics involve the words “b****s and h**s when speaking of women. It all comes to down to pure and simple R-E-S-P-E-C-T!  They do not respect American women and view us as some sort of plaything. They think we are all terribly promiscuous and foul mouthed. Maybe this contributes to the way the rest of the world views us. Still, Muslim men should know better! They should behave better!

 On to my point though,  I can not fathom the rudeness that foreign born muslim men  have shown to me and then dismissed it by saying “Oh, she’s an American.” They say things to me that they would never dream of saying to a woman from their own country. I know this because I have witnessed it firsthand. I see men lowering their gaze in front of women from their country but looking at me as brazenly as they please. I have witnessed men opt to not even speak to a woman from their country but then turn to me and make an attempt at flirtation. Then, if or when they are scolded they respond with: “Oh her, she’s an American.” .

Today for instance, I visited a sister who has been ill. While at her home, her brother came to visit. I excused myself and he said: “oh, don’t be absurd, please stay I would like to get to know you alot better.” Then he winked at me. I told him to fear Allah, I’m married and he just grinned and said” what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him.” It was an obvious come on to anyone in the room.His sister scolded him and he turned to her and said: “What? She’s an American!” It took an extreme amount of restraint to keep myself from hauling off and slapping the smile off his face. In retrospect, I wish I had just done it!

Another thing, foreign born Muslims are always  looking to marry American women. Often they could care less if she is a muslim or a non Muslim. They just want to marry an American. Why? I guess some of them want citizenship, money, or status. I don’t know. Maybe some of them actually like the sister within and don’t care what her race is.  What I do know is, there are many lovely sisters who are foreign born and have been passed up for marriage simply because the brother wants to marry an American (again muslim or non muslim). Now an American Muslim woman, well, this is where it gets downright ridiculous. These women often get marriage proposals just by walking down the street or in to a halal grocer. In other words, in high demand! Yes, it sounds like being treated as an objects and often that is the reality of what we are viewed as and treated as.

This isn’t to say that all Muslim men behave this way. In contrast, I have met several brothers who are very respectful around me and all other sisters (my husband being one of them, which is why I married him).  As with any other race, religion, or culture you are sure to find both good and bad in the bunch.

The fact is as I said before, Muslims should know better. Those brothers who do act like this should fear Allah and treat all their Muslim sisters with the respect we deserve.  It doesn’t matter what a woman’s race or religion you are to lower your gazes. In the Quran it doesn’t say “lower your gazes for women from saudi or egypt but look brazenly at the other women.” It says lower your gaze. Simple as that. Oh, and those who tempt their luck and cross me again in this way better watch out because I just may not be able to restrain myself next time (ie. you may find a red handprint across your face!). I am Southern after all and we all know about southern women and their tempers! (JOKING!…maybe).

Tell the believing men to lower their gaze (from looking at forbidden things), and protect their private parts (from illegal sexual acts, etc.). That is purer for them. Verily, Allah is All-Aware of what they do.  
(  سورة النور  , An-Noor, Chapter #24, Verse #30)

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The Prophet Muhammad(saw)’s Marriage to Aisha

17 08 2007

This is easily one of the most controversial and debated topics among Muslims and non-Muslims.  Many Muslims do not even know how to answer questions about this topic and instead choose to ignore it or lie about it. While many non-Muslims use this marriage as an opportunity to insult the Islamic faith and portray the Prophet Muhammad (saw) as a vile man.

Well, I found this lecture and powerpoint presentation to be excellent in explaining the marriage of the Prophet Muhammad to Aisha.  It should answer all questions and show the reality of the times.  I have given two links here for your conveinence.

The Presentation accompanied by the lecture:

http://www.islamictube.net/view_video.php?viewkey=c4ec58c0063a90deb396

The Power Point Presentation without the lecture:

http://www.sunnahfollowers.net/ppt/ali/Prophets-Marriage-to-Aisha_files/frame.htm





A Mom’s Trip to The Grocer

29 06 2007

babyshoppingcart.jpgWell, it starts out as: “Honey, there’s no milk.” Me: Well, have a glass of juice. Him: “There’s no juice either.” Me: “What? let me see.” So, I go in the kitchen and sure enough our cupboards are bare. It’s time for a trip to the grocers.

Knowing that if I don’t get started before noon, it will be terribly hot and sticky, I hurridly try to get everyone out the door. So, I get the baby dressed in about five minutes, myself…..about three, My toddler(T)……with all the wardrobe changes……about fifteen. We make it to the door where my toddler sits down to put his shoes on. I reach down to try to help him. As soon as I touch a shoe, I hear: “AAAAAAAAAAAH I DO MYSELF, I DO IT BY MYSELF!!!!” So, I wait patiently glancing at the clock a few times. Finally, his shoes are on and we make it out the door.

After getting everyone buckled in, we’re on the road. The baby begins crying. I tell my toddler to give him a toy. He takes that to mean, shove a toy at him, which makes the baby cry even more. My toddler covers his ears and hums. Who needs music? This continues until we make it to the supermarket.

Once we make it to the supermarket, I realize that everyone else in town must have ran out of groceries the same time as me! So, I circle until I find a reasonable parking place. You know, the ones close to cart returns are prime parking spots for moms. 😉

I get out and take a cart. I check the seat to make sure it’s not too hot before buckling the baby in. Then, I give my toddler the choice…ride or walk. After much consideration, he chooses to ride. I am relieved!

After we make it inside the store, T starts trying to climb out of the cart while chanting, “I walk now, I walk now.” I stop the cart and explain to him that he chose to ride and so he shall. He sits back down with his bottom lip protruding and his arms crossed. I give him his picture list of groceries he is to spot.

We are cruising along nicely, when all of a sudden the cart starts clicking and clacking at about the same time, T spots the cookies. “I want cookies, I want cookies” he begins to say in a singsong voice. “Sweetie, we don’t need cookies today, find what’s on your list” I respond. “Nooooo……..cookies……yahhhhh.” Anyone who was not already staring at me, is now. So, I nearly sprint until the cookies are out of sight out of mind.

That’s when I realize that the baby is now asleep. His head leaning forward in what appeared to be a very uncomfortable position. I try to wake him up to no avail. Eventually, I have to pick him up and carry him while pushing the cart with one hand. I offer my toddler a front seat. Still pouting over the cookies he shakes his head, “uh uh”.

Well, we finish shopping and proceed to check out. T helps put the groceries on the counter and watches as they are rung up. I notice he is still clutching a pint of blueberries. I tell him to put the blueberries on the counter. Well, this leads to a full on tantrum. He starts stomping in the cart and screaming “No, My berries, my berries, no no no no.” So, I pry the berries from him and quickly have the cashier ring them up, I give them back to him and all is settled.  Oh but wait, I realize that I have forgotten the milk. So, I have to go all the way back through the store after my groceries are paid for and get the milk. Then, I have to go back through the checkout, and have my bags checked on the way out!

As we walk outside, I mutter to myself “he’s staying with his father  next time” “My husband will do this next time, not me.” Meanwhile, T sits happily eating some crackers from a box he’s opened.

About half way home, I look into the rearview mirror and there they are both sound asleep. Ahhh………kids.