10 Common Mistakes That Can Destroy A Marriage

23 05 2009

10 common mistakes that destroy a relationship of marriage

In life and love, you may think you’re supposed to always focus on the positive instead of the negative. However, unless you become aware of your own hurtful attitudes or actions — so that you can correct them — your chances of staying in love ’til death do you part are close to zero. To have your marriage last a lifetime, avoid these 10 common mistakes:

1. Talking “at” instead of “with” your mate. Let his or her body language be your guide. When you’re talking “at” your partner, he or she will tense up. When you’re talking “with” your spouse, he or she will relax.

2. Tuning out — instead of tuning in — to what your mate is saying. When you mind begins to wander, stop and remember that what your partner is saying is important to him or her.

3. Forgetting to thank your mate. Not thanking your spouse for being considerate, thoughtful or kind makes him or her feel unappreciated and foolish for caring about you. even if your mate did something as simple as remembering to wash the laundry or cook dinner or pay an outstanding bill. although it may be generally “considered as a duty”, it is not. In fact the main duty in a marriage is to make the other person happy, for most people, ultimately that does not necessary have to do with chores or bills.

4. Getting defensive instead of saying, “I’m sorry.” When you mess up, the sooner you sincerely say, “I’m sorry,” or “I was wrong,” the sooner your mate can stop resenting you.

5. Always saying, “I’m sorry,” yet never changing. An apology buys you another chance. However, if you keep making the same mistake, apologies not only seem empty, but annoying as well.

6. Being repeatedly late. Frequently keeping your partner waiting is not only inconsiderate, it’s arrogant.

7. Playing the victim. This behavior not only accuses your spouse of hurting you, but adds insult to injury by implying that he or she is doing it intentionally, when that may not be the case. not everyone has the same capacity of receiving accusations, so it is safest not to jump and accuse your mate of having bad intentions, even if they have repeated similar mistakes in the past.

8. Jumping to conclusions. Presuming that you know what your partner feels — and why — without first getting all the facts is only going to push him or her away.

9. Badmouthing your spouse behind his or her back. This not only adds to the list of secrets you keep from your mate, but also tells others how little you respect your partner.

10. Thinking that doing something once is enough. If you only temporarily stop making the above mistakes — and don’t continue to monitor yourself to keep from slipping back into bad habits — If your spouse was satisfied with that last boquet of roses you bought her or that last set of golf clubs you got him, all signs point to the fact that giving and receiving gifts is a good thing. So keep it up! you’re teasing your partner with changing one time and going to the same old song and dance. You’re also kidding yourself that you’re committed to improving your marriage, when really you’re not.

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Islam And Sex

14 03 2009

Yeah, you read the title right. Islam and sex. No I don’t mean gender. This seems to be a topic that many imams and speakers don’t want to adress.  However, if you go to any fatwa site you will see scores of questions about sex. What is lawful and unlawful? Does the wife have rights over the man? What’s meant by angels curse a woman who doesn’t come to her husband’s bed when he calls? Those are some of the biggest questions that I have personally read.  Alhamdullilah, finally an imam has stepped up to the plate and decided to do an entire lecture series on the subject of Sex in Islam.

This course is now finished. However, you can review the videos/download the recordings from

www.sunnahfollowers.net

or

http://imamhasankhalil.wordpress.com/category/islam-sexual-relationship/

 

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Topics discussed include:

importance of marriage
Sexual lust
sexual satisfaction for wives from an Islamic perspective
How to fulfill the husband sexual need during the menstrual cycle.
our prophet e the real husband
Islamic guide lines in intimate relations between husbands and wives
Real beauty in men and women according to Islam?
Real stories and light humor for all topics addressed
how can husbands and wives please each other
Permitted and forbidden sexual pleasures out side the wed lock.
Description of the best woman according to a Bedouin.
description of women according to age
How to choose your spouse according to Islam and a philosopher…And much more.

Sheikh Hasan Khalil is the Imam of Center Masjid in Arlington Texas
and also a regular speaker at sunnahfollowers.net





Hey, You Can’t Hold Hands In Public!!!

24 05 2008

I once knew a  beautiful Muslim woman full of confidence and charisma. Almost Every Friday, she and her husband would get out of their car and walk to the masjid hand in hand. He would lean down and give her a peck on the cheek before they parted ways, he to the men’s entrance and she to the women’s entrance.

One day, as she entered through the women’s entrance and stood to pray her two rakats to greet the masjid, a sister called out to her “Ya Khaltu” (Oh Auntie), don’t you and your husband know that holding hands in public is a sin, much less kissing! AstagfirAllah!! AstagfirAllah! At your age you should be ashamed.” May Allah guide us all!”

She stood still for a few seconds and then raised her hands and said the takbeer beginning  her prayer.  The younger sister smirked thinking that she had done her duty well. As Khaltu prayed, hushed whispers filled the room, each woman entering getting an ear full of the juicy gossip of the moment and the tale of how “khaltu” was given a good dressing down by the younger sister (who sat  basking in the attention).

When Khaltu finished her prayer, she turned around, tears in her eyes, but nevertheless dignified.  All the sisters quietened eagerly waiting to hear what Khaltu would say, itching to hear an argument so that they may go home and burn up the phone lines with the jumah gossip.

However, what they got was not an argument. Khaltu simply said:Perhaps, you think that I am crying  because of the “advice” given me. No, I am crying because as I was making dhikr, I heard all the hushed whispers,no doubt spreading the gossip. I was crying because I found out how eager my beloved sisters are to eat my flesh.  She faced the younger sister and continued, “And what is your proof from the Qur’an and Sunnah? Do you have an ayat, a saheeh (authenticated) hadith?”  The younger sister thought for a few seconds before starting “I once read in a fatwa….” “No,” Khaltu cut her off. “I follow the Quran and Sunnah. What does the Quran and Sunnah say prohibiting it?”  The younger woman couldn’t answer. “Well, I believe that settles it, correct?” Khaltu finished with a tone that made it clear she was finished with the issue.  

Now, Why is it that so many people are quick to judge? Itching to show one another up to see who can deliver the most stinging blow. Why do people think that they can prove their righteousness by analyzing their fellow muslims for any sign of weakness or mistake so that they may come back and throw it in their face in the most horrific manner possible.  What does this accomplish other than division, hurt feelings, and rancour?

It is human nature not to agree on every single point. The companions (the great sahabiyat and tabieen) did not even agree on every single topic. Did they react by treating each other badly? No, because they feared Allah and knew the seriousness of such actions.

I’m not saying that you shouldn’t advise people. I’m not saying that you have to accept all other opinions. All I’m saying is, when disagreeing do so in a good way. A way that will unify rather than divide, a way that doesn’t leave people trying to avoid you at all costs.

We need to recognize that people are going to follow different madhabs, people are going to have different opinions, but as long as they say la illaha ill Allah, Muhammad ar Rasool Allah. They are your brother and sister and you owe them their rights and your kindness.

Sometimes, you just have to say: You follow what you deem best and I will follow what I deem best. And leave it at that.

 Secondly, It is a sad fact indeed that SOME (NOT ALL!!!!) Muslims feel that they can show one another no affection in public and in some cases act like they do not even know one another! I’m not talking about making out or anything lewd. But what is wrong with holding hands, linking arms,  or a small peck on the cheek? I don’t get it. Will the world end if my husband stops walking hand in hand with me down the street? No. But it’s nice and it shows our children that we care about one another and it shows others that most Muslim men  are not opressive to their wives but instead we are actually very well cared for and loved. As long as it is happening behind closed doors that’s all that counts. Yes, I have heard that and I get it. But this is just one of those things that I don’t believe is wrong and I have failed to see concrete evidence that it is wrong. Trust me, if someone brings me a hadith or verse of the qur’an  saying “do not hold your wife’s hand in public, do not link arms, thou shalt not give your wife a peck on the cheek…..” I will stop it. Until then……leave me alone.

*Story told w/permission from sisters involved*